


Haunted by the Ghost of You

by rickbisexualgrimes



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Confusion, Heavy Angst, M/M, Mild Smut, Post Episode:s09ep05, Presumed Dead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-10-07 04:38:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17359118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rickbisexualgrimes/pseuds/rickbisexualgrimes
Summary: After Rick's presumed death, Negan fails over and over to grieve what he doesn't fully believe he's lost.





	Haunted by the Ghost of You

**Author's Note:**

> Q: will this be another angst fest? 
> 
> A: YES
> 
>  
> 
> Q: will there be a happy ending?
> 
> A: maybe

The moonlight peaked through the small window and Negan didn't feel any joy from it. Before he could at least admire the moonlight and now he didn't give a single fuck. It was another night of him pathetically clinging to a dying hope. Each night he desperately clung to the hope that Rick was alive somewhere. Where as some had given up hope months ago but not him or Michonne. At least that's what Negan presumed given she loved him too.

 

To keep himself from crying or having an anger laced outburst, he hummed his own tune and pictured Rick beside him. Hallucinations weren't something that Negan should be wishing for. Yet that's all he fucking wanted because that meant seeing Rick. In complete desperation he shut his eyes and opened them to see what would happen. Nothing. Not a fucking thing happened when he opened his eyes. Negan was about to break down in tears until he heard the door leading to his cell opening. Expecting to see Maggie, also known as "The Widow", standing there with a goddamn gun, he saw Michonne stumbling in. Normally she stepped in with confidence but this time she was swaying like a sheet in the wind. And it became clear she was drunk as a skunk.

 

 

Negan didn't utter one word to the grieving bad ass. Her even coming down to see him was something of a shock. Especially given Rick's disappearance and now she was raising Judith alone. What type of bullshit was the universe into? Having decent people suffer while the shit stains and the dead got their fill. That was the answer to that infuriating question.

 

  
He didn't move from where he was laying down and instead continued to stare at the dull ceiling. Negan's existence didn't consist of much nowadays, not without Rick. So why he was even still kept alive baffled the shit out of him.

 

  
"I know you're wondering why I'm down here." Michonne slurred then began snickering like something amused her. "I couldn't sleep and I can't talk to anyone out there."

 

 

Negan continued staring up at the ceiling. "Why not? I thought y'all were one big happy fucking family? That dirty fuck Daryl not swinging by? Or is he still moping in the goddamn woods?"

 

  
"Daryl's still in the woods, yeah. I'm glad too because I blame him a little bit for what happened. And Maggie's no different. I feel like I don't know who I can really trust anymore. Everyone has their own agenda and Rick's gone 'cause of it. He's probably dead."

 

  
"If he's dead then why the fuck am I still here? What the hell do I have left now? Did - do you know what he means to me?"

 

  
This time Negan had force himself to turn around to Michonne. She was shaking with anger or sadness, Negan couldn't tell properly. With much reluctance she nodded once at him.

 

  
Michonne's voice was shaky, "I always knew, not that you didn't make it obvious. He told me what happened between you and how it happened."

 

* * *

 

 

_"Lemme guess, you're here to talk to me 'bout what I said the other night. Don't get your fucking panties in a bunch over it. I'm just horny and well was I wrong?" Negan waggled his eyebrows at Rick who was standing there with his dinner._

  
_Rick's mouth was twitching and he looked like he could strangle him. And truth be fucking told if Rick straddled him while wrapping his hands around his throat, he'd have an instant boner. "Talkin' bout my ass doesn't earn you any brownie points, Negan. In fact it just irritates me."_

  
_"Mmm I don't fucking think that's it. I saw that blush and how flustered you got over my comment. I think I've grown on you and boy would I love to be on you."_

_"Enough. Just..enough. Here's your meal." Rick set the tray of food down in front of the cell. "It's time for me to go so I'll see you tomorrow. You better eat that or we'll have a problem."_

  
_Negan kneeled down so he could reach for his food. "Fuck! Another ham sandwich?"_

 

 

_"Just eat it and don't complain. You're lucky I don't get told to feed you slop."_

  
_"So no one has ever made that suggestion?"_

  
_"Not really, it's usually shit or some other disgusting suggestion. Never slop though which surprises me since - oh never mind."_

  
_Now he was really fucking curious because Rick's face seemed mischievous. "What? Tell me? C'mon Rick."_

  
_"The Kingdom used to feed the pigs they slaughtered for you walker parts. " Rick somehow maintained a neutral facial expression._

  
_"Are you fucking kidding me?" Negan grimaced, he felt sick to his stomach just thinking about it._

  
_"No, I'm being quite serious. Don't act like y'all didn't deserve it after what you put everyone through. Your Saviors were and still are a bunch of asshole but some of them changed. Arat changed, Laura changed and Dwight was able to change before he left."_

  
_"Do you ever think that maybe if we met under different circumstances -"_

  
_"That we'd have gotten along somehow? Sometimes I do think that but we didn't."_

  
_"Actually what I was gonna ask was if you'd see me differently." Negan swallowed hard and saw Rick's demeanor change like he knew what he meant. "That maybe I woulda had a chance with you."_

  
_Rick pinched the bridge of his nose, "Negan, do we really need to have this conversation?"_

_"I'd prefer if you entertained me a fucking little so yeah. You can't deny that we got somethin' between us, Rick. The moment I met you I could feel this fucking pull towards you. Even with all your sniffling and weakness, I wanted you."_

  
_"You can't possibly think I've ever wanted you like that."_

  
_"I don't need to think, I fucking know you have."_

  
_Just as Negan expected, Rick wouldn't be able to handle the conversation and left. Negan played it over in his head, pressing rewind on Rick's facial expression before he left, it was so damn vulnerable. That was what Negan fucking lived for when it came to Rick. He so desperately wanted to get Rick to leap over the edge, get a taste of what he had to fucking offer. Negan knew for damn sure that Rick's relationship with Michonne was soft and dreamy. She was damn near perfect, almost angelic in a way and undeniably gorgeous. But relationships like that almost never lasted, in fact most relationships ended fucking terribly. He got a taste of that first hand with Lucille and how badly he fucked that up. With Rick he'd do better though._

  
_Negan set the plate aside because in the morning it would be retrieved by someone. He went to lay down on his uncomfortable as fuck bed and let his mind wander. Thoughts about Rick made him feel warmth. Those thoughts went explicit quickly and Negan found himself unzipping his jumpsuit to touch himself. He pictured Rick reaching down and stroking him without a care. And even before Negan could play with his balls a little, he fucking came in his briefs. The cum would dry in his goddamn underwear and he'd have to explain that he needed a fresh pair immediately._

  
**_What a fucking life this is._ **

 

* * *

 

 

It really didn't surprise him that Rick discussed it with Michonne but he didn't think she'd bring it up. Even with Rick..gone, it hardly seemed like it'd be important for her to think about. Though with Rick gone she was the one person making sure he was kept alive. Without Michonne thinking about him at all, someone would come in and fucking kill him.

 

  
Michonne went on to explain how Rick talked about him a lot and then whined about him a lot. Usually it was the little things like how Negan would challenge him about certain ideas. Or how they'd have some mini bicker about Rick rebuilding the world. She even chuckled bringing up something that Negan damn near forgot. Then their conversations about him turned different. That's when she noticed that Rick wasn't hiding anything anymore. So she asked Rick upfront if anything was going on between them. She never wanted him to feel ashamed or like he was betraying her. And that's when they had a conversation about it.

 

  
As Negan continued to let Michonne explain herself, he thought about all of those times they spent. And how he actually got Rick to fucking smile for him more than once. He didn't even realize she'd stopped talking until she softly said his name.

 

  
Pretending that he heard most of what she said was fucking useless. So he fessed up and told her that he zoned the fuck out. Then he broke down and said that he fucking missed Rick. Instead of weeping with him, Michonne urged him to his feet with a sternness. He almost didn't listen to her but the waves of sadness were smothering his stubbornness. Negan made his way over to the bars where she was standing and sniffed. Not in a million fucking years did he ever imagine Michonne comforting him. But there she was reaching through the bars to touch his hands.

 

  
They stood there for a while without talking until they got tired of standing still.

 

* * *

 

 

_Having to listen to Rick throw it in his face that everyone was better without him was shit. Often times he'd just drown the other man out but lately he was feeling extra fucking snippy._

  
_"Y'know this is all just biding time til I get out, right? Which I fucking will and we both know what will happen when I do. Somehow I'll find my goddamn way back to my people and get back to my shit." Negan didn't even hold back his grin, meanwhile Rick wasn't amused._

  
_Rick no longer had his curls so nothing moved when he shook his head. "It's over, Negan. You lost and we won. We're shaping the world into somethin' better than you coulda done. Together we make the world better, not apart."_

  
_"Why do you have to tell me this constantly? Ever wonder that, Rick? Is it 'cause you believe it or do you want to believe it? My money's on the fucking latter."_

  
_"While you're sittin' in here in his cell, everyone else is movin' forward to a better world. Things change and go on without you around. The Sanctuary is gettin' back on its feet and most of your followers are gone."_

  
_"Come a little closer, Rick. I can't hear you, my ears are full of the bullshit you've been saying these past few minutes."_

  
_The irritated look that Negan could see clearly on Rick's face was hot as fuck. He could still rile him up, after all this fucking time. Negan stood up near the bars and waited for Rick to take the bait. The younger man took his keys out which is when Negan took a step back._

  
_Anticipation was coursing through him and he didn't fear for his life. Rick wouldn't kill him after all this. Maybe he'd rough him up a little then give into the fucking tension between them._

  
_When Rick got the cell door open he walked right through. All of that rage he probably had pent up was pouring right out of him. Since he wanted it, he let Rick grab him by the front of his jumpsuit and shove him to the wall. They were face to face once again, Rick was breathing heavy against him and Negan almost whined. That feeling of having Rick so close made him feel high. But Rick was determined to make his dominance clear still. Which didn't really disturb what Negan wanted but it delayed it. Rick told him that he was nobody now, just a neutered dog who was lashing out._

  
_Negan pretended he gave a fuck about the words Rick was saying to him. As if it wasn't what he'd heard countless times in the beginning of his imprisonment. Clearly Rick got a kick of it mentally dragging him through the mud. Almost like slitting his fucking throat wasn't enough for him. It was pretty fucking romantic though, that Rick was the one to bring him down. Of course it was romantic in a fucked up way but Negan would take it._

  
_"That's all fine and fucking dandy, Ricky. But we both know this isn't why you got me pinned to the fucking wall. No, you wanna go over the edge and see what it's like. I'll take you there if you let me." Negan spoke lowly before he reached around to touch Rick's lower back . His fingers were exploring a space he'd only dreamed about. And Rick wasn't even stopping him from doing so._

 

 

_Rick squeezed his eyes shut, "What the hell are you doin'?"_

  
_"If you want me to stop I'll fucking stop. You know that I'd never force you to do anything like that, that's not who I am. Though to answer your question I'm giving you a chance."_

  
_"A chance for what?"_

  
_"A chance to go over the edge..with me."_

  
_Thinking about it any longer was going to make Negan explode. So he moved forwards to connect their lips and Rick tightened the grip he had. They started kissing like their lives depended on it. Negan's mouth moved against Rick's passionately and it was fucking heaven. Or maybe it was the beginning of some hellish journey that he'd get crushed in. Either way, it didn't fucking matter because he was getting what he wanted. The kiss felt like he was finally claiming Rick rather than just saying **you're mine.**_

 

_Negan felt Rick's knee go up and lightly push against his hardening dick. He moaned into their kiss which is the moment Rick pulled away. Rick wiped his lips like there  was crumbs or sauce on them. Almost like he needed to wipe the memory and waste away from his mouth. It was possible that Negan didn't have a right to be angry or confused but he was fucking confused anyways. When he made an attempt to get Rick to stay, the younger man made excuses that he had to go._

 

_Rick told him he had to get going and said to forget what happened. And in the quickest manner possible he walked out, shut the door and made sure it was closed. He listened as Rick went up the stairs and slammed the other door shut._

 

_"Well fuck me." Negan sighed out loud to the nothingness._

 

* * *

 

 

 

"Fuck, I'm that asshole who loves someone who will never or never loved them back." Negan croaked right in front of Michonne who seemed sympathetic. "Did - did he ever say anything ?"

 

  
Michonne took a deep breath and let it out. "He didn't tell me but Rick did - does care for you. I know that much and he was able to somehow forgive you for what you've done. Maybe 'cause we've all done things, horrible things, that we can't erase."

 

  
"I think in a fucked up I've always fucking loved him. Even before when I wanted to kill him and drive him into the goddamn dirt. Now he's fucking gone, I'm still in this cell and you've gotta take care of that little angel. It just fucking hurts to think that I may never see him again. And it makes it hard for me to wanna live."

 

  
"Don't let all the progress that you hopefully have made die with him. If Rick's truly dead then you have to find a way to move through that. I don't know if I'll ever be able to but he wouldn't want either of us to give up."

 

  
Negan had no response to that and just told Michonne he needed to sleep. She agreed it was time for her to go sleep off her drunkenness. They were both exhausted just thinking about everything. And it was a reminder that everyday was going to be fucking hard without Rick. Michonne left him alone in the darkness and once again he was stuck in silence. That same fucking silence that made him feel like he'd lose his mind.

 

  
He slid back into his bed and started sobbing into his flat pillow. The sobs were muffled and he bunched his fists. Somehow he fought the urge to punch the wall til his knuckles were broken and bloody. As if harming himself would help anything, especially when he had no bandages. Eventually sleep took him away from the horror that was his goddamn life. But his sleep only lasted a couple of hours at the most and he was back to laying awake.

 

* * *

 

 

  
_When Rick got home after kissing Negan he rushed to the bathroom. Rick gently closed the door behind him, to avoid waking Michonne, and slid to the floor. What was wrong with him? Out of the all the crazy shit he'd ever done in his life - kissing Negan was at the top. The man was why they had a war in the first place, why so many people he cared about died. And there he was kissing the man like nothing ever happened. He loved Michonne and what he had with her. So why allow Negan to pull him in like that?_

 

_Rick forced himself to his feet so he could take a shower. Maybe taking a shower would help wash away what happened. As he stripped down he thought about Negan doing it for him. How he'd whisper nasty things into his ear while he did it._

 

_"Why me? Why can't he just be fixated on someone else?" Rick whispered to himself as he turned the shower on. Once the water temperature was just where he liked it - he stepped inside._

 

_Conveniently his pale blue wash cloth was sitting on the edge of the tub. It wasn't like scrubbing himself clean wouldn't remove what he did. But at the moment he thought it might help. After a few minutes Rick released the wash cloth and put his head under the water. He felt the water dripping down his forehead to his chin. What he did wasn't okay and he needed to tell Michonne. Which is what he almost did once he got out of the shower and put on his pajama pants. Until he decided last minute not to._

 

  
_It wasn't going to happen again so he thought why bother telling her. What happened meant nothing and she didn't need to know about it. Rick grimaced at how this felt like when Lori kept sleeping with Shane from him. That he would have preferred she tell him than pretend it didn't happen._

 

  
_Rick tried to get into bed without waking Michonne up. Unfortunately it didn't work out that way. He could see her staring at him with a sleepy smile. The look on her face made him feel guilty. Someone like Michonne didn't deserve to have things kept from her. They started talking about their days then Michonne asked about Negan. Thankfully they were the same questions she always asked. Rick explained that Negan was his usual self and that he was eating. She mumbled something before nodding off._

 

  
_He gently cupped her cheek before turning on his side to pass out. Rick's mind wouldn't slow down so he kept picturing Negan against the wall. Then he remembered how Negan's lips felt on his. It felt just like how he'd pictured countless times before._

 

  
**_If it means nothing then why can't I stop thinking about him? Why can't I just hate him?_ **

 

* * *

 

 

"I can't just wash my own fucking ass in peace? I gotta have you fuck nuts watching my every goddamn move. I've been in this cell long enough that I should be able to bathe alone." Negan snapped at the randoms Michonne sent to watch him. "Not like I can kill anyone with this fucking loofah."

 

  
"We're under strict orders not to leave you alone." The one blonde woman answered back nervously.

 

  
"Yeah yeah yeah. Seems to me like this is just a way for everyone to see my dick. Surprised no one has come down for a cheap fuck with Alexandria's only prisoner. I'm really not interested in any of you. But if that pretty doctor..., what's his name again? Oh right, Siddiq. If he came down to see me and wanted it I'd be happy to oblige."

 

  
No one even cracked a smile and seemed more disgusted by his vulgarity. What a bunch of fucking stiffs. Negan continued washing himself from head to toe because bath time was only once a week. Maybe twice if he was lucky and Michonne actually had mercy on him. Which never used to happen all that much but she was nicer to him. After he finished his bath, he wrapped a towel around his waist. His beard was trimmed down so he was back to regular stubble. Negan ran a hand over his face and then down to his scar.

 

Before the scar made him angry, now it made him think about Rick. In an aggressive way he told everyone to get the fuck out. They almost protested but he said he would get dressed in the cell. Negan walked into what was his home and watched his door be closed and locked. Being a prisoner was fucking bullshit at this point. If they didn't want to deal with him anymore they could easily kill him. Not like he could defend himself or stop them.

 

  
Negan got dressed in silence and kept wishing that he could see Rick's face. Every time he closed his eyes he was barely able to make out an image. No one had any pictures they were willing to lend him or give him. He couldn't ask Michonne since that would be asking for a punch to the face. And no one else that came to see him had any access to pictures.

 

  
He sunk to the floor without giving a shit if it was uncomfortable. No one was around to see how pathetic he looked or to make some joke. And no one was certainly going to hear him talk out fucking loud.

 

  
"I don't know if you're alive or if you're fucking dead or what. All I know is that I wish you were here right now. I'd slaughter ten people just to see you again. Which you'd probably be angry at me for." Negan chuckled at the thought of Rick scowling. "Michonne's treated me better than I deserve. Anyone else woulda just shot me in the head and called it a day. But she's treated me like an actual person. She misses you too and that's where we definitely are alike."

 

 

  
Negan spent most of his day talking to the air, wondering if Rick was really alive and could feel him thinking of him. Maybe he had amnesia and didn't remember anyone. Maybe he was living some apocalyptic "Misery" nightmare. Or he was dead. Regardless it was a fleeting comfort to think Rick could feel him. At some point he passed out while leaning against the concrete wall. When he woke up he saw Michonne sitting in the chair - staring at him. Her demeanor was something he couldn't decipher.

 

  
Maybe she was there to finally put him out of his misery.

 

* * *

 

 

_After taking at least a few days to avoid seeing Negan, Rick decided to bring him down some lunch. This time it was a breakfast sandwich with ham and egg. Not having a wide selection of meat was difficult so Rick did what he could. Negan mentioned that he didn't want to eat rabbit food. So it's why Rick always tried to include meat in one of his meals at least. As he walked down the steps leading to the cell, he heard Negan singing, the echoing bounced everywhere._

_One thing he had to give Negan was that he usually managed to be entertaining. Even if Rick didn't want to admit to that much out loud._

_Rick wiped the smile off his face and didn't falter even when he saw Negan. They made brief eye contact which made it all the more awkward. Rick tried to avoid picturing Negan's mouth on his and how it felt. He damn near dropped the tray because he was getting distracted. How Negan noticed was beyond him but he did. There was a subtle smirk that Rick could notice even with Negan's beard._

_He skipped formalities to explain that he made him a breakfast sandwich for his lunch. That he made sure to fry up the ham and season the egg. Negan didn't even respond to him and instead stared like he was ready to pounce. ”Not gonna say much else other than that? And here I thought we’d get right back to what we started.”_

_“What happened was a moment of weakness. Which means it doesn’t need to happen again. I don’t know what you’re hoping for, Negan.”_

  
_”Maybe a chance to fucking prove myself? You wouldn’t have kissed me if you didn’t want to. So don’t feed me that bullshit of it being some mistake. You just feel bad about it ‘cause of Michonne or some other reason. Don’t bother denying that shit either.”_

_“Yeah. I do feel bad ‘cause she doesn’t deserve this.” Rick swallowed like he had a lump in his throat._

_“Is this all ‘cause I’m a man? That why you’re so fucking freaked out?”_

_“No.” That really wasn’t it because Rick knew he was attracted to men. It was something he’d actually spoken to Michonne about. She was understanding and even expressed her own bisexuality._

_Negan groaned as if something pained him. “Well then what the fuck -”_

_“It’s ‘cause it’s you! I shouldn’t be kissin’ you or allowing you to touch me like that. After what you’ve done I shouldn’t even think of it. You’re locked up for a reason and it’s where you’re supposed to stay. Do you realize what everyone would think if they found out? They’d think I’m a traitor, that I can’t be trusted. Daryl already has an issue with me, Maggie’s distant and I just feel like people are lookin’ at me more than ever. “_

_“So it’s an issue of what these assholes think of you? News fucking flash - it doesn’t fucking matter. They should be damn grateful for what you’ve done for them. Without you they wouldn’t have half of what they have. Who else would have thought to put me away in here? Instead of just offing me in front of everyone? “_

_The laugh that escaped Rick seemed so unlike him. At the moment he felt it was borderline hysterical and it was because Negan was pep talking him. Almost no one would have cared if Negan had died on the field. In fact it was what mostly everyone wanted to happen in the first place. And Rick was the one other person who was genuinely wanting to show mercy. He made attempts to block out exactly why. Just to avoid stomping on Carl’s memory, since that was who he said he did it for. Though it wasn’t the entire reason and he was dealing with that fact now._

_“Do you really think that anyone would have cared? Maggie sure as hell wouldn’t have and I told her I’d kill you. What the hell do you think that makes me look like? Definitely not a hero in her eyes and our relationship hasn’t been the same since. And Daryl doesn’t trust me for allowin’ you to live.” Rick blinked when he saw how defeated Negan looked. Maybe he should have stopped himself but all of that was the truth._

 

_“I get it, okay? No one gives a fuck whether I live or die.” Negan sniffed loudly. “Can you just shut the fuck up about it now?”_

 

_“Negan - “_

 

_“Shut.the.fuck.up.”_

 

_“I’ll be back later with dinner.” Rick murmured before leaving Negan alone in the semi darkness. He couldn’t stand there with Negan glaring at him. It bothered Rick more than he’d like to honestly admit._

 

_When he finally got up the steps and opened the door he breathed in the fresh air. This was what Negan wasn’t getting much of - fresh air. Maybe allowing him to go outside every so often would help him. Maybe it would take his mind off his desires._

* * *

 

 

 ”I’m not here to kill you, Negan. What I’m here to do is give you a chance, one that others have warned me not to.” Michonne had a look of uncertainty on her face, one that made Negan worried.

 

 

Negan ran a hand through his hair, “What type of chance?”

 

 

“The type where you will no longer be in this cell. You of course will be under supervision and won’t leave Alexandria unless accompanied by someone else. And if you don’t comply you’ll be taken down. You’ll be living in my house for now until we can figure out other arrangements. If this doesn’t sound reasonable then you can stay here. Either way I don’t want any problems from you. “

 

 

“You’re seriously letting me out? What the hell happened to me rotting in this cell til I die? “

 

 

“Plans change.” Michonne shrugged as if it didn’t necessarily matter anymore. “Rick would have wanted this. He did allow you to be outside every so often.”

 

 

Knowing he’d feel fresh air whenever he pleased, that he’d be able to use an actual bathroom, that he could make his own lunch, was overwhelming but in the best fucking way. But it wouldn’t be the same without Rick and he was slowly realizing that. Negan couldn’t decline the offer though because Rick may never return. Waiting around for nothing was useless. He assured Michonne that he’d do whatever she asked. And he was willing to do work in the gardens or wherever he was needed.

 

 

That evening Negan packed up what very little he had in his cell. Most of his things were from Rick so he couldn’t leave them behind. His bucket was being thrown out, finally. And now he was feeling free for the first time in ages.

 

The second he was led up the steps by Aaron and Michonne, he wanted to run. Not to get away but to get closer to the fresh air. To feel air on his skin fully again.

 

 

Aaron urged him forwards, “Go on. If you run we will bring you back down.”

 

 

“Yeah, I get it already. I wouldn’t get very far anyways.” Negan explained before he opened the door. The air came rushing against his face and he took a deep breath. “Fuck, this is amazing.”

 

 

Since Michonne could most certainly handle him, she told Aaron that he could leave. The moment he did Michonne explained what was going to happen. She told him that it was best he didn’t leave the house much. At least not for a week. Just to give everyone some time to adapt to the idea.

 

 

Negan wasn’t going to complain about any of it. He was pretty damn grateful that she was even giving him a chance. No one else was going to. The only other person who had authority to was gone.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_Eventually they did kiss again just like Negan knew would happen. The feeling had been circling around in his gut for some time. Then eventually Rick gave into him again. Negan could remember the day like it was yesterday. He was pressed up against the wall again, Rick’s hand was on his throat and they just went for it._

_Whether or not Michonne knew wasn’t as important to Negan. Sometimes it made him feel like shit but he didn’t have anything else. Rick was the one thing that made it so he didn’t off himself. And there were moments where he really wanted to die. So then he wouldn’t have to wake up in the cell anymore._

_“Maybe we should slow down.” Rick chuckled against Negan’s shoulder. “I’m gettin’ old you know.”_

_Negan kissed Rick everywhere he could and managed to pull away. “I’m older than you and I got great fucking stamina.”_

_“I’ll believe it when I see it.”_

_“Wanna see it?”_

_The way Rick stiffened against him seemed like indication enough to stop. Negan didn’t want to make Rick uncomfortable or like he was being pressured. That was never his intention and he needed to make that clear. He led Rick over to his bed so they could talk._

_“I’m sorry if that killed the mood. I guess I’m hesitant to go any further with you.”_

_“Have you not spoken to Michonne?”_

_“Don’t worry ‘bout that, okay? My relationship with Michonne is outside of these walls. Whether I’ve spoken to her or not is between her and I.  Not sayin’ you don’t need to know what’s happening but just stop worryin’.  My hesitation is ‘cause this is new for me.”_

_As much as he’d appreciate if Rick would just tell him, he wouldn’t push it. Something would eventually be revealed to him. Even if he had to ask Michonne if she knew anything at all._

_Negan encouraged Rick to lay down with him. “Listen, we can take shit slow if you want to. I would really love to make you feel good. You don’t even need to do shit to me after.”_

_“How you gonna make me feel good?” Rick smirked with a challenging look in his eyes._

 

 

_“Like this.”_

_In an extremely smooth fashion Negan got Rick on his back. They were looking right at each other before they kissed. Negan started stripping Rick and eventually got him down to his briefs. The bulge was evident in Rick’s pale blue briefs and it made Negan’s mouth water. He slid them down with ease then positioned himself so he could suck Rick off._

 

 

_His mouth did crazy things that made Rick practically scream. Negan bobbed his head to a certain beat to keep the momentum. And Rick’s hand held tight to his hair, which Negan fucking loved. That rough shit was something he always enjoyed. With men and women._

_It didn’t take that long at all for Rick to cum in his mouth. The way he tasted was pretty goddamn amazing._

_Negan didn’t even care about his own hard on surprisingly. Though Rick ended up jerking him off after coming down from his orgasm. The hand job wasn’t anything fancy but Negan didn’t give a fuck._

_As long as it was Rick touching him, he really didn’t care._

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Four months passed Negan by like it was nothing. He still didn’t feel apart of the community but gardening and keeping to himself was ideal. People did occasionally spit in his direction or make comments. But other than that he wasn’t being attacked and no one tried to kill him. Michonne made certain that he was mostly left alone.

 

 

Grieving Rick got no easier and Negan essentially didn’t deal with it. He shoved it down until it bubbled up at night. That’s when he’d cry himself to sleep because he was living in Rick’s house. Sometimes Michonne would try to talk him down but it didn’t work. One night she even let him sleep with one of Rick’s shirts. Which eventually she let him keep with him.

 

 

Sometimes he didn’t know what the hell to actually do with himself. Other than gardening, he didn’t have much else. Michonne, Judith and Gabe were the only ones who actually engaged for more than a few words.

 

 

A year into rehabilitation he felt the same.

 

 

Two years into rehabilitation the days got a lot easier than before.

 

 

Then five years went by and it was like everyone forgot about Rick.

 

 

No one was looking for him anymore, no one really spoke about him and it still fucking hurt. Negan didn’t bother trying to hook up with anyone. Not like there were people who wanted to touch him. All he had was his right hand.

 

 

Negan was still living with Michonne and it wasn’t awkward like in the beginning. He didn’t deserve it but Judith genuinely cared about him. Somehow Michonne was able to actually move on properly from Rick. She found someone else and Negan was the one to convince her to go for it. Meanwhile he was still hoping Rick would come home.

 

 

 

In the middle of making a sandwich there was rapid knocking at the front door. Negan set the lettuce down on the counter and slowly made his way over. Sometimes he got paranoid so he locked up. Anyone could walk in and kill him so he couldn’t be too careful.

 

 

Negan rubbed his eyes before he opened up. “What’s so urgent?” When he opened his eyes he saw Rick standing there, clear as fucking day, he was bleeding and looked like he hadn’t slept properly in weeks.  “Oh my fucking god.”

 

 

“Hey, think you could let me in?” Rick managed to smile despite his injuries.

 

 

And just like that Negan felt his world coming back together.

 

**Author's Note:**

> please leave comments, kudos & don't hesitate to hit me up on tumblr.


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